Both/And

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Since losing my dad a few weeks ago, I’ve been living in the Land of Both/And. It’s where two diametrically opposed feelings co-exist. Both gratitude and disappointment, both acceptance and sadness, both peace and grief. I’m feeling it all.

Dad was blessed with 92 amazing years. His heart and mind were as beautiful as his good looks. And, his legacy of kindness and love impacted so many. He was my buddy from Day 1, joking how I’d hang onto him as a little one and refuse to let others hold me. His sense of humor, sometimes sprinkled with naughtiness, kept us all giggling. A master storyteller, he shared the most fascinating, inspiring stories of his life. Dad was my first role model of love in action as a Christian, husband, father, and so much more.

When Mom died, I had a difficult time accepting it. Her death was unexpected and shocked us all. I wasn’t ready, and I fought the grief. Dad’s death was a completely opposite experience for me. I could see him slowing down, ever so slightly, over the last few years. Most recently, his 12 days of hospice care prepared me well for what was to come. I got to love on Dad each day and say goodbye. So, although I really miss him, I’m okay knowing that he’s okay. Both/And.

I wish I could end this post right here – that I’m fully at peace, even in my grief. But, there’s a plot twist: I missed Dad’s funeral. Had no idea that COVID would be the culprit that literally put me on my back minutes before heading to his service that day.

My hubby, kids, and I were all dressed and almost ready to leave for the funeral with the rest of our family. Just before our meet-up time, I suddenly became extremely warm and sick to my stomach. I couldn’t keep anything down. I eventually collapsed back into bed, completely weak, sweating. Just sick-sick.

I cried hot tears, realizing my body would not cooperate. My hubby and sister tag-teamed me and insisted I stay put, that my health was first. I disagreed, but it didn’t matter. I was so weak that I couldn’t even open my eyes to view the service online on my hubby’s phone. I could only listen, catching bits here and there. I was miserable, inside and out. Later that day, an at-home test confirmed it was COVID. I thought, “Really, Lord? I’ve. Never. Had. COVID. And it shows up now like a raging bull, of all days, TODAY?!?”

Once-in-a-lifetime moments like funerals never offer do-overs. I lay in bed, heartbroken I wasn’t celebrating Dad’s life with my family and community. I wasn’t there to comfort my teenager at the church and cemetery. I missed hugging Dad’s sisters, Mom’s sisters, so many cousins who traveled near and far to be with us.

And, while I see — and am even grateful for — God’s wisdom in keeping me from spreading COVID to countless folks at the funeral, it still hurts. I feel sad, even shame and guilt. How could I – the one who cared for Dad for so many years – not be there? It just feels all wrong.

My siblings and I were always a tight team when it came to supporting Dad after Mom died 15 years ago. As his needs changed, I became his primary care helper, eventually moving him in to live with us. During his final years in a memory care residence nearby, I saw him regularly. And when he received hospice care, I was with him twice a day.

I share these details not for accolades, but for context. To miss celebrating Dad’s life after being there with and for him so long, front and center, feels like a cruel joke. It’s like I ran a marathon with Dad all those years, but COVID didn’t let me cross the finish line. It stole my ability to honor his beautiful, extraordinary life with our family.

God gave me time to say goodbye to Dad, and I’m grateful. And, I know he’s happy with my mom, brother, and so many loved ones in a Far Better Place. I have peace knowing all of that. I just don’t have peace missing our family’s farewell moment, our celebration of Dad’s life together.

Both/And.

Yet, even as I wrestle with peace, I’m choosing to lean into Both/And. I’m relying on James 1:2-4 and remembering Mom’s wisdom that “time takes care of everything.” James and Mom have been right many times in my life. I’m trusting that, down the road apiece, this experience will be one of those times, too.
xo,
Karin

26 thoughts on “Both/And”

  1. Pingback: A Fond Farewell | stretch & grow

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  3. Sandra Johnson

    Dear Karin, i have no idea why i am just seeing such a great tribute to your father. Such a wonder man and friend. I miss both your mom and dad, and will always treasure the friendship i had with them. You will always be BLESSED for who you are and what you were to your parents and now your family. Love

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    1. stretch&grow Post author

      Mrs. Johnson, you have been and continue to be a true blessing to our family. Thank you sincerely for reading and for sharing your loving sentiments. That all means the world. Please know that we love you and send our very best to you always!

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  6. Tori Reid

    You had me with your first photo on your wedding day. You looking up at him adoringly and with pride, and him being his debonair self, fully present, and seemingly chatting about something. Bottom line, it was pure love. And it grabbed my heart before you expressed one word. And then you did.

    Whew. I felt every word you expressed. Every feeling you wrestled with you. Every emotion you challenged and that challenged you. This is a piece far greater than this beautiful space. This is an expression that can comfort so many others as I’m sure it comforted you as you journeyed and wrangled through it. Please get it out further into the world. Submit it to every well-positioned magazine. And I say stay right there, and keep writing…

    Your voice is powerful. You are truly a beautiful spirit, like your dad and your lovely mother, who is a healer. A lover. A soul who has so much to give and teach through simply being you.

    You know I continually pray for your peace and love you endlessly…. And I believe with all my heart that you will have that one day. I’m so proud that you are actively working through this. And blessed us with your story. Your heart.

    Continue to do so. And love yourself as your Dad does… your Mom, and especially as God does. As you so brilliantly titled: Both/And.

    ❤️

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    1. stretch&grow Post author

      My sweet cousin-sis-friend, you bless me with your encouragement and love always. I hear you, and I’m listening. Thank you for being in my corner, nudging me to use my voice. We all need a Tori in our lives. I’m thankful you’re in mine. Love you, 🤎💗🤎💗

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      1. Tori Reid

        Awwww…. I’m grinning ear to ear. I got you. Proudly. I couldn’t love you more if I tried. And I will always be in your corner, and lovingly nudging. Like you do for me, 🤎💗🤎💗

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  7. Karin

    Dear Karin, my sincere condolences on the loss of a person who meant so much to you. You loved him, he loved you and you were there with/for him in the most intense moments for us as humans while on earth (not many people have that gift or connection). I can imagine it was hard for you to miss his funeral. But he probably was looking down on you worrying for you. hoping you would get over Covid quickly – and not to get to the funeral but simply to feel better. He probably would have wanted you to focus on getting healthy and care for yourself as you had cared so much for him. Hugs to you. Thank you for including me in this message. Karin

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    1. stretch&grow Post author

      Karin, as always you give me a new perspective that encourages me. I’m always grateful for you, and for that. I send my biggest, most sincere hugs of gratitude to you always from across the miles, 💛

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  8. Brenda

    Karin,
    What a beautiful tribute.
    Your love for your dad was everptesent, whether at the funeral or not. He knew it. We knew it.
    Hope you are feeling better.
    After losing my mom, this post from you is so meaningful, and comforting to me. Thank you.
    Oddly enough, we protected Mom from COVID for 3 years, then about a week and a half after her funeral, we got COVID. We don’t know when or where. You probably felt the same way. I laughed and said that maybe it was really Mom who was protecting us! So, maybe it was your dad protecting you, and telling you to sit down and rest a bit. ☺️
    Deepest Condolences to you and your family. H Hugs. 💙🫂💙

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    1. stretch&grow Post author

      So thankful the post was a comfort, Brenda. I continue to think of you and pray for you, too, since the loss of your beautiful mom. And thank you for what you’ve shared here. You’ve given me added perspective on the sitting down and resting part. I’m still working on that. 😊 Love you and HU hugs always, 💙🤍⚓️

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  9. Shirley Tyree

    WoW! What a tribute to a man so worthy of these sentiments and for anyone who will need it when life deals us a hand that seems almost impossible to play. Even in our season of illness and grief, our Heavenly Father is not panicking. We have that blessed assurance in knowing that His plans for us are perfect. My continued prayer for you and your family is that the joy of the Lord will be your strength.

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  10. Millie

    So , so beautiful . Both the article but mostly you. I am so proud of you and the ability to say ( or write ) these feelings are already putting you on the path of healing. My mom had a saying “let the dead bury the dead “ . I always thought that was harsh but life has shown me she was right . Your dad was in the best hands possible – it was you that needed to be cared for and resting ! Love you 🥰

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  12. Katy Miller

    Hi Karin…MyMyMy what an AMAZING testimony of your Feelings and Strength!!! As I watched the Service I said to myself I didn’t see Karin come in. I was concerned but now I fully understand!!! Continued to lean on the Lord, family and friends to help you through STILL this Most Difficult Time!!! 🙏🏾❤️🙏🏾❤️
    Much Love, Katy & Gary Miller (MCBC)

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  13. kuji08

    Such a beautiful, beautiful tribute to your dad and your relationship with him. I know it was painful for you to miss the services. I am glad that you had the opportunity for an even longer goodbye that was love-filled, intimate, and I hope, comforting for you both.

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    1. stretch&grow Post author

      Thank you beyond words, Sharon. You already know we will chat about this soon when we get together. Sending my love and gratitude for your friendship and support always, 🤎

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  14. Ada Palaci

    Life and death comes always as a surprise… a kind of yin and yang we have to manage even with the scare of strength… your mom as mine are absolute right … thank you for sharing your feelings with such true and wise words. I send you a big big hug even if it must be imagined or virtual as they say… sending Love to you and your beautiful family. 💖

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  15. Lori Woodruff

    Karin, what an amazingly well-written and heartfelt tribute to our friend, Mr. Booker. I watched the service online and wondered why you weren’t there. Now, in your beautiful words, I know why. Sometimes, God has a sense of humor, even though we don’t understand. I will continue to keep all of you in my prayers and hope I may run into you sometime here in Carolina or in VA. If you are ever in the Raleigh area please reach out, and I will do the same if I’m near you! Sending hugs and kisses to you all. Love, Lori and family

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